close
close

nowplaying family centre

College football Bottom 10 after Week 5 Clemson, to advance

College football Bottom 10 after Week 5 Clemson, to advance

•

Vaseline

  • Ryan McGee, ESPN senior writerOctober 2, 2024, 7:00 AM ET

    Near

    • Senior writer for ESPN The Magazine and ESPN.com
    • Two-time Sports Emmy winner
    • 2010, 2014 NMPA Writer of the Year

Inspiring thought of the week:

Summer has come and gone
The innocent can never stand
Wake me up when September is over
Let the bells ring again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September is over

– “Wake me up when September ends”, Green Day

Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, somewhere within the time-space portals created by the Dr. Strange swing ring that Jesse Palmer wears to broadcast football games on Saturdays while simultaneously hosting 47 reality shows during the week, we’re ready for October. Why? So many reasons.

I love the cool, fresh air and not having to use WD-40 and a paint scraper to take off my underwear on Saturday afternoon after another morning co-hosting “Marty & McGee” in the September heat of Gainesville or Baton Rouge .

I love caramel and apple drinks almost as much as I hate drinks—not to mention donuts, cereal, M&Ms, beer, yogurt, butter, bread, and hummus—that come packed with a serving pumpkin the size of a Biff Poggi herb.

But above all, the most aesthetically pleasing part of this time of year is the name itself. Not autumn. That was the name of the girl from my worst college date, and that’s an extensive list. No, the name that makes us laugh is the one that is also most appropriate for the fall time of year and also the verb that best applies to any description of our bottom 10 teams.

Fall.

With apologies to Iowa State D-lineman Domonique Orange, Arizona State DB Adama Fall, Ryan Leaf and Steve Harvey, here are the Bottom 10 rankings after Week 5.

There are now only three winless FBS teams and this is the only program in the country with five losses. On Saturday, the Golden(plated) Flashes fell at home to Eastern Michigan University Emus, 52-33. Now, after a week off, they’ll host Week 7’s pillow fight of the week, welcoming Baller State and its current 1-3 record, but according to the mystical and somewhat eerily accurate ESPN Analytics machine, there’s a 73 chance .4% Cardinals are 1-4 after hosting Western Not Eastern Michigan this weekend.

The New Money Owls are in their first season of FBS ball, but last weekend felt like old times, losing 24-13 to UT Martin of the FCS. Their nickname is the Skyhawks, with a mascot named Captain Skyhawk, who wears a helmet and goggles and looks exactly like a bird that went full Tony Stark and had a technology that allowed him to shoot an owl.

The Minors failed to cover the spread against Open Date U.’s Fightin’ Byes, but in their defense it was one of those cover sheets and anyone who covers that spread properly without issue must have an engineering degree or rubber arms.

The Other Aggies lost to archrival Whew Mexico, which was in this spot a week ago, so it was an easy trade. Speaking of trades, sources tell Bottom 10 JortsCenter that New Mexico State representatives put their loss to Rio Grande Rivalry behind them and headed straight to El Paso to try to block the door as UTEP officials met to discuss their move from Conference USA to Mountain West to discuss, reminding them that such a move would deny Earth future pillow fights of the century like the one between them over Thanksgiving weekend. UTEP has taken the step anyway. And wait for them? Wow Mexico.

5. Hurricane Football

To be clear, this is not Miami Hurricanes football or Tulsa Golden Hurricane football. No, this coveted fifth place is reserved for the schools that decided to play with the ball in Helene’s face. As of Tuesday evening, more than 700,000 South Carolina residents were still without power, water or both, but Sandlapper state schools Clemson and The Citadel still decided to stick with their Saturday kickoff plans. Clemson reasoned, “It’s homecoming and the region needs a distraction.”

Meanwhile, the Citadel forced the state of East Tennessee to endure a 528-mile journey through the heart of the storm, which was in no way unsafe and stranded for twelve hours along increasingly flooded highways. Why? Because the Bulldogs told the Bucs and the Southern Conference they couldn’t move the game to Sunday because it was parents weekend and they had “scheduling conflicts.” Using The Citadel’s reasoning, perhaps that’s how the thousands of people living near the state of East Tennessee will explain their losses. It’s because Mother Nature had a scheduling conflict. BTW, final score: ETSU 34, Citadel 17.

The Zips dropped their #MACtion opener 30-10 to the Bobcats of Ohio. In related news, when I was in high school, I got in trouble with my parents for watching a Cinemax After Dark movie called “The Bobcats of Ohio.”

7. UMess (1-4)

The Minutemen, who won’t play in the MAC until next season, lost to Ohio’s My Hammy, marking their fourth game and fourth loss against a MAC team. This week they play — quelle surprise! — Northern Illinois, which, as Notre Dame wouldn’t want you to remember, is also in the MAC, but what we totally remembered is in the MAC the weekend after they beat the Irish, when they lost to Buffalo , which is also in the MAC. And now, after writing all that, I’m craving macaroni and cheese. Instead I get…

The OG Bottom 10 Owls have returned to these rankings with their big 360-degree eyeballs trained directly on Kennesaw with a night vision focus on the struggling supremacy of Strigiformes. They landed on this branch after failing to get their claws on the team that previously occupied this spot, the Artists Now Known As The Charlotte 2-and-3ers.

The Other Other Aggies are probably not feeling well about being 1-3 while simultaneously participating in 2-Pac’s resurrection. Anyway, they have one more football win than Gonzaga!

Will there be a brunch this weekend during the game that ruled the ACC for the lawyers Clemson and FSU hired to help them sue that same ACC? If so, a warning to the legal eagles of Noles: Those Clemson guys won’t cancel, even if you have to climb over fallen trees and power lines to get there.

Waiting list: Fa-La-La-La-La La-La-La-Tech, Temple of Doom, Baller State, Southern Missed, the Return of the Nayhawks, Muddled Tennessee State, Troy Bolton State, celebrating too early.

•

Recent Posts

Social Media

Advertisement